Summary
The holiday season, while joyful for many, can feel overwhelming for those struggling to manage social anxiety. Social gatherings and idealized holiday images often heighten stress and disconnection. By focusing on values, setting achievable goals, practicing mindfulness, and embracing self-compassion, it’s possible to navigate this challenging time with confidence and balance. This guide offers practical strategies to help manage holiday-related anxiety, prioritize your well-being, and make gatherings more enjoyable and meaningful.
Social Anxiety during Holidays
The holiday season can be challenging for many, as it’s often packed with work events, family gatherings, which can feel fun and connected in spirit, but all the pressures can also make it feel more lonely and disconnected. The contrast between idealized holiday images—from Hallmark movies to polished holiday cards—and personal realities can make you feel a sense of pressure. Comparisons, like seeing others’ seemingly perfect family celebrations or friendships on social media, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and disconnection. Such comparisons might also lead to self-critical thoughts about how our own holidays measure up. For those with social anxiety, these occasions can feel especially overwhelming, and even for those without social anxiety, the whirlwind of activities can trigger discomfort or emotional fatigue.
While social anxiety can heighten feelings of discomfort in these settings, it’s important to remember that many people—regardless of their anxiety levels—can sometimes feel anxious, out of place or disconnected during this time of year. The holiday season often brings up complex emotions for many of us. If you find yourself feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. A lot of us are navigating these same struggles, and there are ways to make the season more manageable.
Take Jamie, for example—a 32-year-old Fishtown resident who struggles with social anxiety. For Jamie, the holidays feel overwhelming. Over the next month, she has a work event, a family celebration in South Jersey, and a gathering with friends.
At The Center for Anxiety, OCD, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we work with many clients who feel anxious about the upcoming holiday season. To help ease this stress, we’ve put together some practical tips to support you before, during, and after social events.
Before the Event: Setting Purpose and Goals
Many of us feel pressured to attend holiday events—whether due to family expectations, friendships, or work obligations—and often end up just “getting through” the experience. Instead of being truly present, we may find ourselves “white-knuckling” it, counting down the minutes until we can leave, and trying to manage social anxiety. This approach can leave us feeling drained and disconnected, making the whole experience feel exhausting.
Before you agree to attend an event—or let guilt from yourself or others make the decision for you—take a moment to check in with yourself. Reflect on your values and goals and think about what might help you feel more comfortable.
Focusing on Your Values
Consider how the event aligns with your personal goals and values. Does attending support what’s important to you? For example, if connections with others is important does this event provide you that? Does it support your value of self-care? Your professional growth? Other values that are important to you? If an event doesn’t align with your values, it might not be the right one to attend. By focusing on gatherings that resonate with your values, you can approach them with a clearer sense of purpose.
Clarifying Your Reasons for Going
It might not always feel like it, but you neither have to attend every event this holiday season nor be perfect thereat. Often, it may feel like you need to attend all of the events and make sure to ask people questions so they know you’re smart and engaged, and justify to relatives what you’re doing with your life. Take a moment to evaluate your reasons for going and consider how attending—or not attending—aligns with your values that we just discussed.
To help with this, ask yourself a few guiding questions: Why or for whom am I going to this event? for family? for colleagues? as an obligation? Am I worried about what others might think if I don’t show up? How does this event align with my values? Reflecting on these questions can help you make choices that feel right for you, rather than simply going out because of pressure.
Example: Let’s check in with our friend Jamie. As the holiday season approaches, multiple events on her calendar trigger her anxiety. So Jamie reflects on her values regarding social interactions during this time and recognizes that one of them is to connect with her co-workers for a sense of belonging. Nonetheless, she feels pressured by one friend to attend a gathering. She realizes that this event will likely heighten her stress and anxiety and harm her self-caring. Jamie decided to decline the invitation – even though it was stressful to do. She chose to focus her energy on the work party and her family gathering. Even after selecting the events that align with her values and current abilities, Jamie still felt worries about going. By setting achievable goals and applying middle-path thinking, she set herself up for success before the gatherings.
Setting Achievable Goals
When you attend social events, do you ever find yourself setting subjective goals? Something like, “I want to feel good at the party” or “I want to have a lot of confidence.” Subjective goals often teeter on being unrealistic; It’s hard to feel good or have confidence at a party.
As psychologists, we tend to promote the idea of setting SMART goals, which are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. In line with this, Dr. Stefan Hofmann’s developed an approach to treat social anxiety (Hofmann & Otto, 2008) – which is one of the frameworks that influences the work we do at the Center – where patients are encouraged to set specific goals that are reasonable and achievable.
When approaching a social situation, having clear goals can empower us to feel more capable of navigating the event. In line with Dr. Hoffman’s framework, it’s important to set specific, behaviorally measurable goals for your social interactions, such as “Talk to Aunt Jeanie for five minutes.” These goals can give you something to focus on doing during the event and a sense of success afterward.
Example
It’s important not to over-plan every detail of the interaction. You want to avoid overly specific goals, such as “Say to Aunt Jeanie, ‘I like your shirt’ and then ask, ‘what are your plans for the new year,’ then say ‘that sounds exciting’ and then walk away.” Steer clear of broad or unrealistic goals, like “don’t feel anxious” (wouldn’t that be great?!); and you want to recognize if you start planning for every possible situation that may occur. Trying to plan for every “what if” (e.g., what will I say if someone asks how my job is going? How will I respond if people don’t like the mashed potatoes that I made?) can increase your anxiety and can create additional pressure and lead to feelings of failure after the event.
Example: Before the work event, Jamie wrote down two goals for the evening. The first was to “smile and say hello to the bartender when ordering her drink,” and the second was to “talk to Ben from accounting about fishing, something we both enjoy.” Here, you can see that Jamie prepared a specific topic to discuss with Ben without scripting the entire conversation. This allows her to feel more comfortable initiating the interaction while still allowing the conversation to unfold naturally.
Middle Path Thinking and Action
Another skill that can help you prepare for an event is middle path thinking. Often, we get caught in all-or-nothing thinking, believing we must do everything or nothing at all. Think of the movie, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, when the Grinch says, “If I can’t find something nice to wear, I’m not going.” He was engaging in all-or-nothing thinking, feeling that he had to find the perfect outfit, or it wasn’t worth attending. You might have experienced similar thoughts or thoughts such as, “If I don’t plan to stay for the whole party, then I shouldn’t even go.”
However, attending an event doesn’t mean you have to participate in 100% of it. Shifting from all-or-nothing thinking to a middle path approach can make gatherings feel more manageable. You could attend part of the party or have conversations with a few people without socializing with everyone. This allows you to find a balance between attending an event and respecting your boundaries.
Example: Jamie is feeling overwhelmed about the upcoming family gathering in South Jersey. To manage this, she decides to tell her parents that she will arrive at 4:00 PM, just as dinner is being served, and that she will need to leave at 6:30 PM, right after dessert. When doing something that may be difficult for her, Jamie can choose to face part of the event, for part of the time, and doesn’t need to attend the whole thing. Attending an event isn’t black or white – Jamie goes for all of it or goes for none of it – she was able to find a middle-path that worked for her.
During the Event: Staying Present and Grounded
Now it’s time to head to the event. You’ve put in a lot of effort to set yourself up for success by determining how this gathering aligns with your goals, setting achievable objectives, and practicing middle path thinking. There are some skills you can use during the event to help you be more present, even in the face of anxiety.
Limiting Comparisons
It’s natural to compare ourselves to others, especially during the holidays when we’re surrounded by images of seemingly perfect gatherings on Instagram and Hallmark movies showing characters effortlessly overcoming insecurities. These can set unrealistic expectations for how we think we should feel in social settings. It’s important to remember that online and on-screen, we only see parts of people’s lives they choose to show. Many people—whether they are in treatment to help manage their symptoms or anxiety or not–—feel uncomfortable or self-conscious at social gatherings. So, if you find yourself at an event thinking, “I wish I was as comfortable as Jim,” or “Susan is so funny and confident,” pause to remind yourself that we never truly know what others are feeling inside.
Example: At her work event, Jamie spots her colleague Sarah. Sarah is standing at the bar, talking to three of their other co-workers. Jamie notices herself thinking, “She’s so comfortable being the center of attention.” Then, she reminds herself that Sarah may also feel anxious. Later in the evening, Jamie spends a few minutes chatting with Sarah, reminding herself that she may also be nervous during the conversation.
Mindful Redirection
During an event, you might worry that others are judging you, noticing your anxiety, or thinking you’re acting weird. Notice if you’re trying to read others’ minds—remind yourself that we can’t know what others are thinking, so try not to fill in those blanks with negative thought. When these come up, try redirecting your focus to the present moment. Remember, others are likely focused on their own concerns and may not be as tuned into you as it feels. Refocusing on your own goals and what you are doing in the present moment can help keep you grounded.
Example: At the family gathering, Jamie finds herself worrying that her cousin, Beth, notices that she is nervous and thinks she’s weird. Since she doesn’t know Beth well, she starts to feel like she’s making a bad impression and catches herself trying to read Beth’s mind. Instead of staying stuck in these thoughts, Jamie gently redirects her focus back to her goal for the event. She decides to get up and play with her nephew, Reese, and each time the negative thoughts creep in, she refocuses on the Lego tower her and Reese are building.
Cutting Safety Behaviors
Ever find yourself retreating to a corner, drinking more than usual, or meticulously planning every word of a conversation to feel less anxious at events or prevent social mistakes?
These actions, known as safety behaviors, provide quick relief but often increase anxiety and discomfort, making you feel more self-conscious and uncomfortable, and less engaged and connected with others. For example, retreating to the corner during a party may, at first, feel safer than standing towards the middle of the room, but this will likely also make you feel awkward, isolated, self-aware, less engaged, and make it less likely that you will connect with others and achieve your goals.
This holiday season, try to recognize and reduce these habits. It might help to write down common safety behaviors you rely on to manage anxiety, so you can stay mindful of them in social situations. Instead of avoiding anxiety, practice facing it gradually. Stay focused on your goals and take small steps to engage in ways that feel safe and approachable.
This process may feel intimidating, and if you’re uncertain about handling it on your own, reach out to us – therapy can help! We work with clients to approach these situations in a safe and supportive way.
Example: At the work event, Jamie finished chatting with Ben about fishing and then felt anxious when she didn’t know what to do next. She moved to a corner and pulled out her phone to distract herself but soon realized this is a safety behavior she relies on. Putting her phone back in her pocket, she walked over to the bar and smile and say hello to the bartender when ordering her drink, which she had set as her second goal for the evening.
After the Event: Reflecting and Being Kind to Yourself
You’ve made it through the event and are home. You might be feeling relieved, happy that you went, exhausted, or any other combinations of emotions. It’s also common to find yourself ruminating on the event, replaying everything you did and said, and criticizing yourself for laughing too loudly, dropping your fork, or not speaking to Jen from finance. Just like before and during the event, there are skills you can use to cope with anxiety afterward.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is about treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and support, especially when you’re feeling anxious. None of us are perfect in social interactions, and anxiety can often lead you to fixate on less successful moments. Instead of dwelling on what didn’t go well, shift your focus to the goals you did achieve. For instance, if you set the goal of talking to your Aunt Kim for 5 minutes and accomplished that, be proud of yourself for reaching that goal. Pay attention to what you did do—if your aim was to stay at the event for an hour but you left after 45 minutes, rather than fixating on that 15-minute difference, recognize the effort you made by attending and staying for those 45 minutes. To learn more about self-compassion, check out our blog post on how self-compassion can transform your approach to anxiety and other diagnoses.
Example: After leaving the work event, Jamie begins replaying her conversation with Ben in her head, wondering if she asked him too many questions. She notices herself starting to beat herself up over it. Reflecting on what her goals were for the event, she sees that she had aimed to talk to Ben about fishing for five minutes, while she only managed to talk to him for three minutes. But Jamie chooses to focus on the fact that she achieved her goal of initiating a conversation, even if it wasn’t for the full time. At her family event, Jamie feels guilty for leaving at 6:30, especially since her brother seemed disappointed. She decides to practice self-compassion and acknowledge that while she feels bad about her brother’s disappointment, she is proud of herself for respecting her boundary of leaving at 6:30.
Self-Care
You accomplished something hard by attending the event, and it’s essential to take care of and support yourself afterward. Engaging in self-care activities can help you recharge. You can watch your favorite movie, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate, or read a book. Take care of your emotions, celebrate your successes, and give yourself the time you need to decompress.
Example: Jamie got home from the work event feeling depleted. She decided to take a shower, change into her cozy pajamas, and unwind by watching White Christmas.
Conclusions
The holiday season can be particularly challenging for those with social anxiety, as gatherings and events often heighten anxiety. However, it is possible to manage social anxiety successfully by using various strategies. As shown in Jamie’s journey, reflecting on personal values can help clarify which events align with your goals, and setting achievable goals provides a structure for the event. Additionally, limiting comparisons with others, avoiding safety behaviors, and practicing self-care are crucial components in managing anxiety during this season. These strategies can help create a sense of control and comfort, making holiday events feel more manageable.
At The Center for Anxiety, OCD, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we’re dedicated to helping you cope with and overcome your social anxiety. For more information on the most effective forms of CBT for social anxiety and to explore our comprehensive approach, we invite you to read more about our Social Anxiety Treatment services and learn about the type of specialized CBT for social anxiety disorder offered at our Center. We also have a number of additional blog posts that discuss topics related to social anxiety such as dating, enhancing exposure therapy with distress tolerance skills, empowering anxious children through play, guiding anxious children through fear, and embracing supportive statements for anxious kids.
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This blog was brought to you by Allie Bond MA and Daniel Chazin PhD ABPP
