Summary
Anxiety can leave you feeling stuck, but self-validation offers a path forward. By replacing self-criticism with understanding and acceptance, you can create the confidence to tackle challenges and achieve your goals. It’s not about giving in to anxiety—it’s about acknowledging your feelings to make real change possible. Start quieting your inner critic and discover how self-compassion can make a difference.
Picture this: You’re in a meeting when your boss asks you for an update on the project you’ve been assigned. You know what you’d like to say, but seeing everyone’s unsmiling faces turn towards you is just too much to handle. Your face becomes flushed and your heart begins to race. It’s been a few seconds of silence, and all you can think is, “Everyone must think I’m an idiot.” You’re too distracted by these self-critical thoughts to give an answer, which turns up the volume on the self-criticism. You manage to mutter a quick status update before your boss moves on to the next item on the agenda. As you walk out of the meeting, you think, “What kind of a moron can’t answer a simple question like that? I don’t deserve this job…”
Sound familiar?
No matter the setting where your anxiety tends to show up, fear responses like this one tend to turn us into our own worst enemy. Critical self-talk doesn’t just feel bad, it can be counterproductive to treatment.
You can’t bully yourself out of being anxious
When anxiety rears its ugly head, beating yourself up about it won’t help the anxiety go away. In general, bullying yourself (or others, for that matter) into behaving how you’d like is not a winning strategy, but there’s a specific reason why it doesn’t work with anxiety.
The parts of our brain that are involved in generating the fight-or-flight response are quite separate from the parts of our brain that process logical thought. Fear processing happens in the limbic system, which is among the evolutionarily oldest parts of our brain. Therefore, the limbic system fires more quickly than our conscious thoughts. And that’s a good thing! If you were out walking in the woods and a bear began chasing you, you need to mobilize to action immediately without having to waste precious seconds thinking “Oh! That’s a bear! I better run away!”.
If you’ve tried unsuccessfully to criticize yourself out of being anxious, it’s not your fault that it hasn’t worked. It’s how your brain is wired!
Self-criticism isn’t the answer
Not only does browbeating not work, it actually moves you farther away from the self-efficacy needed to engage with treatment. After all, a person who thinks “It’s ridiculous that I’m too chicken to fly on a plane. I don’t even deserve to go on vacation…” may be far less likely to persist with challenging exposures compared to a person who thinks “This is hard and I can do this. I won’t let my anxiety win!”
Critical self-talk serves to invalidate the experience of anxiety by communicating to ourselves that our feelings are wrong, bad, or unacceptable. Instead, take the opposite approach. Give self-validation a try.
What is self-validation?
Validation is the practice of communicating that a person’s experiences are acceptable and make sense, given the context of the situation. Self-validation, therefore, means 1) acknowledging that all of our own thoughts and emotions are caused and 2) allowing room for these experiences to exist without judgment. Self-validation is an important first step in developing compassion for yourself. It is the opposite of criticizing yourself for feeling or thinking a certain way.
Importantly, self-validation does not mean that you agree with, approve of, or resign yourself to the thoughts and feelings that your anxiety is feeding you in moments of distress. Self-validation does not mean believing things will never change, nor is self-validation synonymous with positive affirmations. Instead, self-validation means allowing and accepting reality as it is in the present moment.
Here are some helpful templates for you to reference when trying self-validation on for size:
- “It’s OK for me to feel…”
- “I am allowed to feel…”
- “It makes sense I am feeling this way, because of…”
- “Anyone in my situation might feel this same way”
Consider the scene in the beginning of this article. Following a freeze-up after your boss asked you for a status update, self-validation might look like this: “It makes sense that my anxiety showed up when I saw everyone turned towards me. Having anxiety doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of this job.”
Why accept what we want to change?
A common question when discussing self-validation in session is, “Why would I ‘allow’ these thoughts and feelings when we are working in therapy to overcome them?”
The answer, which may seem paradoxical, is that only by first accepting your experience can you take steps to enact change.
Here’s why: Imagine you are out hiking with a friend. After a while, you stop seeing trail markers and begin to wonder if you’re lost. You share your concerns with your friend who dismisses them, insisting they know the way. Unsurprisingly, you remain lost. Why? You can’t solve a problem if you don’t acknowledge reality.
Now imagine that after it gets dark, your friend finally concedes that you’re both lost. “I’m such an idiot,” they say. “This does not happen to experienced hikers. I’m so careless. I’ve endangered us both.” Your friend has now spent a precious 30 minutes beating themselves up for this mistake. Hopelessness sets in. Your friend’s motivation to solve this problem is dwindling by the minute. Why? Blaming your own shortcomings leads you farther away from the self-efficacy required to solve a problem effectively.
You may be invalidating yourself when…
Perhaps while reading this, you’ve begun to recognize ways that you are already invalidating your experience of anxiety. If so, congratulations! We all invalidate ourselves all the time, and recognizing it is the first step to change. Parents of kids and teens with anxiety might even start to notice their self-invalidating language. But self-invalidation can show up in sneaky ways, too.
So, how might you know when you’re not being validating? One telltale sign is using the word “should”. If you notice “should” popping up in your inner monologue (e.g., I shouldn’t feel this way; I should have done better), chances are you’re adding to your own suffering by invalidating your experience of anxiety.
Examples of Self Compassion
Catching yourself is half the battle. The next step is to change your self-talk to work with you, and not against you. For example…
- Instead of: I’m such a wimp for panicking in this elevator right now.
- Try: Panic is uncomfortable. These sensations are happening because my body is trying to protect me from what it thinks is a threat.
- Instead of: I’m acting like a child. I should be out there watching the fireworks with my family instead of hiding inside.
- Try: It makes sense that the noise from the fireworks is giving me a startle response because of my PTSD. I’m proud of myself for working on this in therapy.
- Instead of: It’s unacceptable that I am too anxious to make this phone call. This is no way for a grown adult to act.
- Try: Many people of all ages have anxiety. I can allow this feeling to be here without judging it.
If it feels difficult or unnatural to validate yourself, you’re not alone. Sometimes it helps to consider how you might respond to a friend or loved one with anxiety.
Once you begin to catch self-invalidating thoughts, the easier they become to notice and change. When you’ve begun to accept your experiences of anxiety, change will come easier, too.
Explore Further and Connect with Us
Here are some resources for dealing with problems associated with self-criticism and for getting connected more with professional psychologists.
- Explore Practices of Self-Compassion: Discover practical strategies for self-kindness and resilience by reading our article on self-compassion and practices of self-compassion. It’s a great starting point for cultivating a more supportive relationship with yourself.
- Explore Our Resources: Visit our resource page for helpful books, websites, and more information on managing various anxiety disorders. In addition to our center, the International Paruresis Association, which has excellent resources for education, advocacy, peer support, and workshops.
- Contact Us for Support: We are here to help. Reach out to us on our contact page for a consultation with our experienced psychologists and therapists, who have expertise in self acceptance and anxiety disorders.
- Follow Us for More Insights: Stay connected with us on Twitter/X and Facebook for updates and tips on managing self-criticism.
